Teenage Suicide. Don't do it.

A very close friend of mine committed suicide when we were 18. If he were alive, he would have turned 31 today and none of the things that mattered to him them would matter now. He'd probably be living in New York, maybe as a working artist. He'd be funny and charming and talented and women would be falling in love with him, but he'd probably be gay. He most certainly wouldn't be buried in a graveyard next to the Hooters in Jonesboro.

Maybe we'd still keep in touch. We'd be "friends" on myspace and I'd send him occasional emails when I was feeling nostalgic and we'd commiserate about growing up together in suburban Georgia and how far we'd come. About how we used to be so sad, but about what?

If he were alive, where would I be? Maybe I would have graduated from Georgia Tech, instead of plummeting into a horrible depression that lasted for at least five years, which rendered me completely useless in matters of calculus and chemistry. I certainly would have never met my husband and if I had, I would have never understood him.

I suppose, eventually, I would have lost my innocence nonetheless, maybe when my father died. Maybe, if I hadn't spent five years of my life grieving for the loss of my friend, I would still have some grief left for my father.

Death is like a stone thrown into a lake. Some of us get caught in the ripples, and pulled from the current of our lives. We get caught up and sucked under, but if you manage to escape the undertow, you emerge born again. A new person.

When he was alive, I defined myself by our friendship and after his death, I defined myself by my grief. And while I'm sure the immature 18-year-old version of him would appreciate my grief, I have to believe that the adult version, the person that never existed, would want me to finally, after 12 years of grief, learn to define myself by who I want to be, and not by the circumstances of other people's lives.

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, but I won't be in Punxsutawney waiting for a rodent to tell me that spring is coming early this year.